John Mayer Gets Jock Itch Spray from Paparazzi
John Mayer Gets Jock Itch Spray from Paparazzi
This guy always has the weirdest interaction with the shutterbugs that constantly trail him. Last night while leaving the Hyde Lounge, John Mayer received some interesting gifts from a paparazzo.
The “Waiting On the World to Change” singer was presented with a can of Tinactin Jock Itch Spray and a tube of Lotrimin Ultra. And the whole time Mayer seemed to be in good spirits, appearing to genuinely enjoy the gesture.
Earlier this week, John posted a cryptic blog addressed to an “Ex Lover” in which he assertively asked the addressee to leave him alone. And of course, speculation has been running rampant, with everyone from Jessica Simpson to Minka Kelly being named as the possible culprit.
The post reads as follows:
Dear Ex Lover,
Perhaps you didn’t understand the last time I told you to stop contacting me, so I’ll do my best to spell it out for you. I do not wish to have you in my life anymore. I don’t know how much more clear I can be about it. It would serve you best to move on with your life and find someone who can put up with you, because I’m done trying. I hope this is enough closure for you.
Goodbye
P.S. If you need me, you know how to find me.
The Venture Bros: Shadowman 9: In the Cradle of Destiny (season premiere)
(S03E01) It’s tough to believe that it has been over a year and a half since we last saw The Venture Bros. Granted, last season’s cliffhanger wasn’t quite as intense as Hank and Dean’s death in Season One, but that didn’t stop fans from speculating about Dr. Girlfriend’s confession all through those twenty months. “Monarch, I’m…” what? Pregnant? A man? Ready for round two?
Even though I was looking forward to a bit of closure on that, I was also excited about hearing from the Ventures. Strangely enough, there was a surprising lack of Ventures in this episode of The Venture Bros. Instead, we got a whole lot of backstory about the Monarch, Dr. Girlfriend and good ol’ Phantom Limb. It didn’t pack the punch that one would expect from a season premiere, but it certainly delivered all the amazing things that one would expect from the show. I mean, apart from the actual Venture brothers.
Really, I cannot believe we didn’t find out Dr. Girlfriend’s big secret. Did I mention it’s been one and half years of waiting? Since Dr. Girlfriend and The Monarch were fighting side-by-side in the cold open, it’s obvious that Sheila’s confession wasn’t a terribly upsetting deal-breaker. I think it’s safe to assume that she’s not pregnant, let alone carrying Dr. Venture’s baby. I swear, though, if the characters continue to only discuss this secret in vague terms for the rest of the season, I’m going to go nuts. (EDIT: So was the big secret really just that the Monarch would be under investigation? If so, why didn’t they just come out and say it? Despite watching the episode about five times, I managed to totally missed this.)
If something has happened twice, am I allowed to call it a trend? Pretend that’s cool for a moment. Although Dr. Girlfriend and The Monarch’s running styles aren’t nearly as funny or cartoon-y as Hank and Dean’s or that of the Doctors Venture, I like this trend of using different characters for season premiere intros. According to Jackson Publick, we’re going to see revamped credits from Doc Hammer for this season, starting with the second episode. I expect nothing short of super-awesome-spectacular.
It was good to see that the Henchmen were doing all right, even if the flying cocoon wasn’t looking so hot. And the Murderous Moppets finally speak! Naturally, it was yet another Jackson and Doc duo. I had no problem with Kevin, but I couldn’t listen to Tim-Tom without thinking of a high-pitched Torrid. I know I’m most likely reading too much into this, but that giant penny thing in the cocoon reminded me of last season’s “Guess Who’s Coming to State Dinner?” episode. Upon closer inspection, I saw a faint image of the Monarch, not Lincoln, on the circle, but I was thought of the big penny that the guys made fun of on the DVD commentary. Aaaand once again, I am reminded that I need to stop turning on these DVDs every time I need some background noise while working. (EDIT: Oh! Batman reference! That makes more sense.) This cocoon-centric storyline was all right, but I was more excited about the interrogation. I feel like, apart from having an excuse to use another part of the Gustav Holst Planets Suite, the biggest point was to show that Brock (and the Ventures) genuinely are cool with the Monarch and company now. It was a shame that we didn’t actually get to hear anything from Brock, though.
It was during the Guild of Calamitous Intent crucible part that I really noticed the improved quality of the animation. Everything, from the painted backgrounds to the line quality of the characters, looked even better than before. I cannot even begin to imagine how hot Season Four is going to look. Please excuse me when I get a little art-happy. Ahem. Anyway… I kept expecting a Mystery Science character to pop up in the Council of Thirteen, but I guess stooping to that level is more of a Family Guy move. Yeah, I went there. Burn, indeed.
Ever since we saw Watch and Ward bicker over juice and Yazz, I have adored them, and watching them guide Lady Au Pair through the various villainous vixen options just made me like them even more. And how much time do Doc and Jackson put into coming up with villain names? This one episode alone had enough to keep me happy for a really long time. Who wouldn’t arch Bettie Rage or Joseph and his Amazing Technicolor Nightmare-coat? I’m also impressed with the attention to detail in creative costuming for everyone. The Shadowmen actually look quite cool, like classy Phantom Limb really designed their uniforms. Speaking of Shadowmen, in hindsight, the title should have been a really obvious reference to henching. I mean, the “____man #” format completely lends itself to that, but the possibility never even crossed my mind.
Well, we now know that the Monarch started off as Phantom Limb’s Shadowman #9 and promptly fell in love with (and creeped out) his future wife. I adored the revelation that the Monarch and #24 have a history dating all the way back to their first henching years. We also saw college-years Monarch (or, Malcolm) for the very first time, looking kind of like a less green and much shaggier version of Roger from Doug, and learned that he is secretly responsible for accidentally — as he described it in “Home Insecurity” — bitching up Underbheit’s face, after a failed attempt at killing Rusty Venture.
Dr. Girlfriend’s history with Phantom Limb (or, Hamilton) was also quite interesting. It was good to see that she definitely did have hair like that chick from Republica during her Queen Etherea days. The love-making session to “Revv Me Up” was also hilarious, if only for the opportunity to make some jokes about Adobe Premier and music rights. Speaking of love-making, it looks like Myra really was Dr. Venture’s bodyguard. Still no word on whether or not she is truly the mommy of Hank and Dean, though.
The reappearance of The Sovereign (”It’s David Bowie!”) was almost as fantastic as Dr. Girlfriend and The Monarch’s nearly-nude duoship ceremony. Those kids have made some interesting underwear choices.
Have The Monarch and Dr. Girlfriend moved into Phantom Limb’s super-sweet Frank Lloyd Wright house? Phantom Limb, scarred and delightfully scruffy, is too busy being on the run and killing folks like the Manotaur for supposedly sleeping with his girlfriend anyway. Judging by this previously posted season cast picture, it looks like we’re going to be seeing Manotaur again, in what I can only assume is some crazy flashback with the original Team Venture, as he looks quite young and is in full costume. Also, Phantom Limb has a left robo-hand! Maybe he’s the one responsible for Billy’s. After all, the two of them were constantly linked in Phantom Limb’s imagined backstories in “Victor. Echo. November.”
And finally, the sleek new credits with move-y things showed us that the entire episode was voiced only by James Urbaniak, Doc Hammer and Jackson Publick. Way to go, boys, and welcome back.
Shirt of the Week: Guild of Calamitous Intent emblem. Because I have a personal rule against owning four ringer tees at a time and my wallet is extra-sad, I will not be subscribing to the Shirt Club. However, I have decided that I am going to buy three or four tees to support Publick and Hammer, as the money goes directly to them and not Adult Swim. I’m practicing restraint for my own sake! In a weird way, I’m praying that not all of the shirts will be as cool as this awesome gold and black number, because my willpower is nothing and I will easily break my four tees rule. No doubt about it though, I’m getting this first tee. I was very close to whipping out my textile paints and making my own Guild wear anyway. Yeah, I’m one of those types.
High School Reunion: Meet the Mustangs (season premiere)
(S04E01) Three years ago, I was asked to perform stand-up comedy at my high school reunion. I wasn’t a full-time professional yet, but I was getting close; I figured I would go in there and kill. I imagined all the girls who didn’t find me attractive in high school (which was, uh, all the girls) would instantly swoon for me and I’d get some measure of closure on what was a very disappointing chapter in my life. Of course, I tanked. Badly. The people at my reunion couldn’t have been less interested in what I had to say if I was trying to sell them timeshares. I spent the rest of the night mixing cold medication and hard liquor, trying to find a combination that wouldn’t shut down my liver but would help me forget how poorly I performed that night.
I never thought I’d regret a decision more than my accepting that high school reunion gig. Now, three years later, I’ve finally found a decision I regret more: accepting the assignment to review TV Land’s new reality show, High School Reunion.
This is not an awful show. It’s efficiently produced and the people they’ve asked to become one-note archetypes (”The Lesbian”, “The Jock”) effectively fill their one-note roles. If this were ten years ago (or hell, even five years ago), I’d probably be writing a semi-good review right now.
The problem is that my capacity to enjoy reality TV has been dulled by my never-ending exposure to it. To put it another way, if reality TV is dinner, then I’m Monty Python’s Mr. Creosote. I tried to tell TV Land to “F*** off, I’m full,” but somehow they managed to persuade me to consume this show, this one last wafer thin mint of a show.
This review is me exploding. [Link NSFW]
(If you’re going to write a comment saying, “Jay, you’ve obviously become jaded and shouldn’t be reviewing this show!”, I’m saying you’re right. You are absolutely right. I should have never accepted this assignment. But I did and now we’re both stuck with this review. Believe me, I don’t like it any more than you do.)
High School Reunion is a very simple concept: film a 20th high school reunion as a reality show (though, instead of a rented VFW hall, the reunion is taking place on the now-standard-for-these-kinds-of-shows McMansion). The cast is each given a few seconds to describe what they were in high school (”I was kind of a dork”; “I was one of the ’artistic kids’”) and then they’re off for ten kind-of-dramatic days in Maui.
Here are my observations:
1) Most reality show casting agents have an entire nation worth of desperate, soulless people to choose from. The problem with HSR is that, by its very nature, it is stuck with the “talent pool” of a single high school. Missing, then, is the carefully calibrated balance of charismatic nut-jobs that we’ve grown used to on shows like The Real World and The Bachelor. In its place are a dozen classmates, none of whom have one-tenth of the charisma of a Boston Rob. Or even a Kristy Jo. They’re, you know, ordinary. Ordinary doesn’t cut it when you’re dealing with reality.
2) We’ve grown too used to the conventions of the reality show genre to buy into the idea that any of the “twists” are actually twists. For instance, at the heart of this season is the relationship between Mike and Lana. See, Mike was the class rebel (James Dean he is not) and he married Lana, the school drama queen. They divorced after fourteen years because Lana slept with Mike’s best friend (also a classmate).
As the show opens, we’re introduced to Mike first, who says that he’s there on the island to put this whole Lana thing behind him and have a good time catching up with his friends. He expects us to believe that he doesn’t think there’s a chance Lana would be showing up. Uh, let me see, there’s one interesting thing that happened in this entire group of people and you didn’t think TV Land would exploit it? It makes me wonder if future episodes are going to revolve around Mike trying to help a deposed Nigerian prince he read about in his email.
Anybody who has ever seen a reality show — ever — knows what happens next. Lana, of course, shows up.
I don’t mind this storyline — as I said, it’s the only thing that even makes me just a nanobit interested in the show — but I do mind the faux-drama of the Lana/Mike build up. You can’t do this anymore — the audience is too savvy. It means that either the producers are morons and think they really dropped a bombshell on everyone when Lana showed or they think that we, the audience, are too stupid to predict what’s coming next. Either way, it doesn’t speak well for the show.
3) I know reality shows, by their nature, reduce people to types, but this show has decided that people are completely and utterly defined by their types. Whereas for most of us maturity means realizing that people don’t fit into tidy labeled boxes, for the people on this show, maturity means “showin’ everyone how wrong they was about me!”
My favorite example of this is Justin, The Pipsqueak. See, in high school, his defining characteristic was that he was small. Now, however, his defining characteristic is that he’s not small. Evidently, Justin’s pituitary gland is more interesting than he is.
I’m not arguing that there should be an attempt at nuance on the show — this is, after all, a reality show — just that the formulated phrases used to describe these people not be so fixed. J. Alfred Prufock had more mobility in his character than these people seem to have.
4) We need a moratorium on people saying “You haven’t changed a bit” at their high school reunions. The only one that this is even remotely true for is your fifth high school reunion, and if you’re attending your fifth high school reunion you need to be taken in the back and beaten with the stupid stick.
After that, you have changed. You might look good for 37, but you don’t look 17. Stop lying to yourself and everyone else.
(Full disclosure, I’m typing this with my shirt off and I’m looking down at a forest of hair that makes Steve Carell in The 40 Year Old Virgin look like an Abercrombie and Fitch model. It might be this hair, which certainly wasn’t growing on the 17 year-old me, that’s making me so cranky about all these softening thirtysomethings congratulating themselves for looking no different than they did in high school.)
5) Speaking of that — it occurred to me while I was watching this show what it might be useful for. It can serve as a Scared Straight for kids who are currently caught up in high school drama. As a former teacher, I remember all sorts of speakers coming into our school to discuss the dangers of bullying or the need for better interaction between the school’s differing cliques. High School Reunion might finally be the show that brings all the different groups together.
How? It’ll serve as the ultimate ghost of Christmas future. “See that, popular girl? One day, you’ll be a thrice-divorced cougar desperate for someone to show you the same kind of attention they did in high school. Yes, Mr. Stud, one day you’ll have a huge bald spot in your hair and look exactly like the less-famous Stork brother from One Crazy Summer. WoooooOOOOooooooh!”
6) If you’re going to Maui for ten days, for the love of God, tan before you go. Usually I’m not an advocate of tanning salons, but these people all have that uncomfortable looking “just got back from vacation” orange semi-burn.
–
It’s not that High School Reunion is a bad reality show, it’s that it’s every reality show. You can piece together the entire hour from one thirty second preview. There are no tricks you haven’t seen before. There are no people who show any complexity beyond the one word graphics that appear under their names. There are no situations that haven’t been played out better hundreds of times before.
The saddest thing is that out of all the shows that were canceled by the WB, this is the one that gets resurrected. I would have preferred Buffy. Or Unhappily Ever After. Or Sister, Sister. Or Savannah. Or Kirk. Or… you get the picture.
Jericho: Oversight
(S02E04) Well now things are just getting ridiculous. There must be a way that the residents of Jericho can take a stand against the occupation in their town. Are we to believe that Jake, Eric, Dale and a few others are the only people who have a problem with the new government? Considering how well they were doing on their own, I find it hard to believe they would stand around and be bullied by Ravenwood.
As for Stanley, he talks like he won’t come around until the government literally comes and takes everything he holds dear, including Mimi. With that in mind, I have to say that this review was difficult for me to write considering the way it ended.
I think it’s hilarious how Mimi and her freakish accounting abilities are the only thing that poses a threat to Goetz. I suppose the only person qualified to take down an oppressive government agent acting outside the law is someone who has experience doing the same exact thing, i.e. an IRS agent.
Did I miss the scene where the Hawkins kids went to live somewhere else. I understand that they aren’t very convenient to the story right now, but that’s no reason to give them the Chuck Cunningham.
I’m very curious to find out whether or not John Smith is someone we’ve already met. Could it actually be Mayor Douchebag working from the inside or is it one of Jonah’s men? Either way, I kind of need some closure on this bomb thing. I mean, someone’s got to find it eventually, right?
The only thing better than Hawkins’ plan to make Beck see what he wanted him to see was the reassurance that Beck is smarter than anyone gives him credit for. Now if only he would come around and help expose Valente and the rest of the conspirators.
My favorite scene in the show had to be Heather’s search and destroy mission in Beck’s office. Sprague Grayden’s acting along with the dramatic camera angles made for a very tense part of the show. It makes me wonder why Grayden has been so underused this season.
At the risk of sounding naive, wouldn’t it be easier to expose the conspiracy if Ravenwood and the military were gone? It’s really frustrating watching the entire population of the town turn into mindless sheep when only a few weeks ago they were all banding together to defend themselves from an attack. Jake and the rest need to say “Nuts” to the Cheyenne government, make their own flag and declare themselves a sovereign government.
At the end of the day, it appears the only one with balls enough to do what needed to be done was the helpless little deaf girl. As sad as I am to see Bonnie go, I can’t imagine any character who would make a better martyr.