Idol Lesson #1: If Your Princess Leia Bun Should Fall, Have Grandpa There to Catch It
Holy hell.
American Idol has made its seventh season debut with a fierce and poignant message: There are quite a few fantastic freaks in these here United States.
Who knew?! Oh, right. Randy, Paula, Simon and Ryan.
Tonight, not only did we meet a girl who packed on enough face glitter to register from outer space, we met a chest-waxing Steve Carell wannabe in a Princess Leia getup, a stalker who’d like to put Paula Abdul in a bathtub and "caulk her" (ewww!) and, my favorite, a strangely charming Egyptian guy who appears to be the second coming of Borat—complete with proclamations that he is a "sexy face" and wants to "love a girl from the hair to the nipple."
Don't we all, my friend…don't we all.
Still, Idol's greatest premiere-night lesson came from Christina Tolisano, the oddly intriguing Princess Leia look-alike who suffered a meltdown upon rejection and, well, lost her head.
As she screamed about the lack of fairness and diversity in the competition, she whipped her coiled buns around with such fury she catapulted a clump of fake bun down to the floor—prompting her perfectly adorable grandfather to pick it up calmly, hand it back and console his girl.
So, what did we learn tonight, class?
No matter how bad things get and how horrible that evil Simon may be, what truly matters is our loved ones, who nurture us no matter how whack-ass crazy we may get.
Or rather, in the words of tonight's Tobias Funke/Fred Flinstone love child Milo: "Sex is weak, and love is strong." (Gramps before amps. Woo!)
Idol’s back with more wisdom Wednesday night…Until then, be safe out there. Keep your buns tight and your bobby pins secure.
P.S.: I’m sorta in love with the incredible shrinking Joey Catalano (how sweet was he?), not to mention sexy Milli Vanilli knockoff Chris Watson…but we’ll discuss that later, when my husband’s not looking.
For now, tell us who you liked…and who, well, not so much.
Jessica Alba Talks Kissing
Jessica Alba Talks Kissing
We all remember our first kiss. It was a magical event that will be with us forever… right? Well for actress Jessica Alba it was a disappointment and she’s telling all about it.
“I was 12 years old and had to kiss this guy who was gross and never brushed his teeth,” Jessica confesses to Seventeen Magazine. Not really how you’d imagine such a hottie in her first intimate moment, eh?
After that traumatic experience, it’s no wonder she wasn’t looking forward to kiss #2. It happened when she was 14, and it was just as lackluster as the first one. “Then, at 14, I had to kiss a guy who was 32 or 33, and I was like, ‘Ewww! I didn’t want to do it.’”
For the Dark Angel’s latest kissing spree, she’s chosen director-boyfriend Cash Warren. The reviews are in, and they’re looking good. “(He) is the best kisser in the world,” she reports.
You’ll have all kinds of opportunities to see Jessica this next year. She has 6 movies coming out. And they might even have some kissing scenes so we can see what all the fuss is about.